uGugu (Part 1)

I've always enjoyed shopping alone, its therapeutic.After every shopping spree i would always get an unexplainable sense of relieve much like having just taken a shower the only difference is shopping gives my soul a shower not my body

It was one Saturday morning when i decided to do grocery shopping.I had walked for a long time and when i got to Shoprite is was full,i thought to myself "Time is money" cant be wasting time in queues so instead i proceeded with my journey to Spar.It  was  there where i didn't find a lot of queues so i decided to shop there

After long stroll around the market, constant changing of mind " i need this,no i don't"...i had become weary of deciding so i headed to the Till to pay

"Am i going to be able to carry all this i thought to myself as i took out my card to pay " probably not but I'll call a maxi taxi once I'm outside"

.

The woman packing my stuff looked at me smiling, then looked the other way and kept on packing,

 "i must have thought that out loud" i thought. 

"well theres like a lot of hobos outside that would carry your stuff for just about anything" she said..."oh OK" i said with a smile and as i walked away i thought to myself "Hobos! carry my stuff? excuse me! i cant have hobos carry my stuff, i don't trust them"

Battling to carry the heavy load i paused to catch a breath and call a taxi when a woman dressed in all black, well black worn out clothes that looked rather grayish. I halted and looked at this woman, you can call it observing.Wrinkles covered her eyes,hair so filthy covered in grass and a brown hat she smiled at me and said "sesi can i help you carry your stuff"."For how much", i asked...."ai noma yini suster, as long as i can buy something to eat"

I felt so much remorse for her, "shes probably just tyring to feed her children" as i hesitantly handed her some of the plastic bags

"What could have gone wrong for this woman that landed her on the streets, is it her fault?" i asked  myself a lot of questions that had no answers, of course!

We had walked a few meters when she paused, leaned down and put my food on the ground.."are you tired" i asked her "because if you are we can always take a break"

Ignoring me she proceeded to the dust bin at the door of a salon,the wind blew so swiftly sending her hat flying, i rushed to catch it and by the time i got it i turned to her , there she was looking through the trash. i saw hope in her eyes and my presence held no distraction to her quest 

"Are you looking for something?" i asked..."ya sharp! theres food I'm used to finding in there, someone must have taken them"

I saw the disappointment in her eyes, to an extend i felt it, as though i was going to benefit from whatever she would have got from the trash

I wanted to know about this woman,that in a few minutes got me deep in thoughts and involuntarily connecting to her pain

We had walked a long distance now and i had finally accumulated the courage to ask her questions

I told her my name in hope that she will tell me hers,she turned with a smile, moved her lips but i could not get a word. "You said your name is?" i asked staring directly at her lips in hope that i might be able to read them this time "Gugu" she whispered

"Gugu!" i said with a loud voice and she nodded with a smile. I guess a name doesn't carry much value when you live on the streets, it was probably a shock to her that one would care to know her name.

"where are you from ?" Soweto she said..."its just here right?, I'm from around here" so where are you from she asked me" Limpopo" i said with a proud voice 

She looked at me smiled,shook her head said" really? wow! i thought you from Cape Town. I didn't care to ask her why she thought that so i laughed it off and asked her where she lives now

"I sleep just about anywhere....Noma ikuphi! but mostly parks".

Listening to this woman i had come to a conclusion she had a certain level of education.Her English was clear even though  the occasional drop of Zulu words she understood me and i got her clearly

"How old are you".."24" she said. "kids?" i asked politely and she shook her head

i was surprised,this girl is one year older than me and looking at her you would swear shes 30 if not 35.
The life on the streets and must have taken a toll on her. I tried holding back my tears which i think i achieved quite well

"Why her?" i asked myself

"How do you survive, i mean i cant even walk at night because I'm terrified something bad will happen to me, especially because you are a woman?"

"Now is fine because everyone knows me,it was hard at first i was every boy's relieve system" all the older guys used to rape me until one day i stabbed one of them with a piece of steel bar i had picked up from the street.Now no guys dares to come close to me", she said with an angry voice

I literally froze, i could not believe my ears.Why does this woman trust me with such information? but none the less i kept on listening

"You are right, you should never walk at night,its not safe..this boys will take your belongings and if you don't have anything they will hit you" she warned me and this time she maintained eye contact

I nodded and continued to ask her questions, i wanted to deviate from what she had just told me.It was too much for me to take, I couldn't imagine going through what she went thorough and still be able to look forward to another day

"So why did you leave home"? i asked

"Eish its hard, my sister" this time she took a deep breath and shook her head slowly or rather heavily

I knew what ever it was it must have been bad,she was able to tell me about the rape and the stabbing without any hesitation but this Gugu was holding back

could this be the root of this problem, what eventually led her to the streets? 

Stay tuned to find out

uGugu part 2

"So why did you leave home"? i asked

"Eish its hard, my sister" this time she took a deep breath and shook her head slowly or rather heavily

I knew what ever it was it must have been bad,she was able to tell me about the rape and the stabbing without any hesitation but this Gugu was holding back

“I had no choice but to leave that place and I knew that wherever I’ll go it wouldn’t be as worse as what I was going through there”

 I couldn’t imagine calling my home “that place”, it’s the only place I ever feel safe and loved but to uGugu the place she grew up in deserved no better name than “that place”

I guess it’s true what they say…”Home is where the heart is” and Gugu’s heart found the streets more hospitable than the  house her grandmother build years ago with her pension fund

I knew not what to say, I mean what do you say in such situation?

For a moment there was a pause, I guess I got lost in thoughts and she halted to have my attention back

“It all started when I was 11, I was doing my grade 6, standard four at the time. My mother has never been married en sharp I never knew my dad”

Then with smile she lifted her eyes to have a quick glance at my reaction, but like a past bloom flower in the wind her smile disappeared and I was left smiling, alone!

For a moment I wanted to tell Gugu “I got it “let me pay you and you go on your way” but something inside me didn’t let me, so instead I told her I’m tired and want to rest a bit, thinking that would make her go away but to my surprise Ugugu willingly set down with me and didn’t look like she had any intention to leave

She desired to talk to someone! And for the first time since her predicament started someone actually took interest in her life

She picked up a small stick from the ground and started drawing on the ground something that looked like a heart and then a flower

"my uncle took charge of the house when my grandmother died in 2001 because my mother never had a job and “vele be ka s’thadela ujwala” (meaning she loved alcohol),  so she was never home" ahe said 

“One night my mother was out as usual, I got home from school found that there was no one home, made food and did my homework then went to sleep. It was In the middle of the night when I felt a hand rub my thighs, I thought I was dreaming, but hey! I wasn't”

A tear fell down her cheeks as she tried desperately to hold it back..i had to say something but didn’t know what, so i  remained silent

"I opened my eyes to find it was my uncle, he was very drunk"

“Shhhh don’t say anything” he whispered in my ear. I tried getting his hands off me but he was strong so I lay there frightened hoping umama can walk in just in time to save me but she didn't

“Malome what are u doing?” I asked “shhhhhh” he said “and continued to rub his hands on my thighs and with each second his hand gravitated to my private parts and suddenly I felt the most agonising pain I had ever felt in my life and in a moment he was done but the pain didn't go away”

“He pulled back his pants and left me lying there”.” I was confused” she said

“Then after a few minutes he came back and said”….” No one is supposed to know about this” and I nodded” Gugu said “but of course! I planned on telling my mother” she said staring me straight in my eyes as if hoped to get a certain response from me

Her uncle took her Virginity! And uGugu remembers the details of that night like it was yesterday

This had gone from an ordinary therapeutic day to one complicated stressful one

It was a lot to take in for me, as much as I see this kind of stories on TV all the time, I just never thought I’d meet one who’s been a victim to this cruel deeds

“It went on for three nights in a row, this time he was not drunk at all, and then mom came back on Thursday with one of her friends. I waited for her friend to go and told her everything, I expected her to solve the situation but to my surprise she lashed at me and told me it was my fault, she said I should stop walking around in short skirts around the house, that I should stop seducing my uncle”

“She told me not to tell anyone, or she will give me a hitting. I was devastated but had to obey anyway”

“He kept sleeping with me every time mom was not around until one day after school my friend told me I had blood on my skirt, i told my mother and she told me what to do”

“Later that night I overheard her speaking to my uncle, She told him to stop or I’ll fall pregnant”

“I was relieved” she said and indeed while telling me this, she did look relieved

This girl was let down by her own family. I can’t stand here and say I understand what she went through because I don’t but I know if I had been in the same situation and leaving home seemed the only solution, I would have done the same

I felt guilty, for falsely judging people without knowing their story but I refrained from saying anything instead I listened attentively as uGugu poured out her heart to me. A total stranger!

“Things went well for a while, He even promised to take me to tertiary. Sharp I wanted to do LAW, I even sent my application on time and I knew I might go to Wits” she said with a smile

uGugu just like every other girl had dreams and was working hard to pursue them, but then life happened happened it robbed her off of everything she dreamed most of having, a better life!

I couldn’t help but wonder if there was still any hope for uGugu, if she still ever dreams?

“It was just after the trail exams when my mother was so sickly in love with a certain guy. Her absence grew more and more humongous each day, I can say I almost forgot what she looks like.Days later mom came home to announce shes going to live with her boyfriend and i was ordered to remain with my uncle” she said, this time shaking her head so angrily

It was clear she was not happy with her mother’s decision and somehow she blames her for the way her life turned out

For a moment I was also angry at her but I refrained from saying anything, if there’s anything been with uGugu has taught me is never to judge anyone until you know their story .Gugu’s mother had her reasons, her fears and everything else in between that I don’t know about

How does a mother let her brother rape her only daughter is a question I ask myself

“Just like that first time in 2001 when he first came in my room, I felt a hand on my thighs. This time my attempt to push him away paid off. He fell on the floor and I rushed to the kitchen. As I was about to open the door he grabbed me and pushed me against the wall. I was angry and reached for the knife on that was left on the drawer. I stepped him over and over and over until he could not move

“Tears fell down her eyes” and she said I killed my uncle and I couldn't think of anything else to do but to run away”. “They had a funeral that Saturday and I didn't go”

To be continued

"Never judge a man before you have walked a mile in their shoes"- a Chinese proverb

uGugu (Part 1)

I've always enjoyed shopping alone, its therapeutic.After every shopping spree i would always get an unexplainable sense of relieve much like having just taken a shower the only difference is shopping gives my soul a shower not my body

It was one Saturday morning when i decided to do grocery shopping.I had walked for a long time and when i got to Shoprite is was full,i thought to myself "Time is money" cant be wasting time in queues so instead i proceeded with my journey to Spar.It  was  there where i didn't find a lot of queues so i decided to shop there

After long stroll around the market, constant changing of mind " i need this,no i don't"...i had become weary of deciding so i headed to the Till to pay

"Am i going to be able to carry all this i thought to myself as i took out my card to pay " probably not but I'll call a maxi taxi once I'm outside"

.

The woman packing my stuff looked at me smiling, then looked the other way and kept on packing,

 "i must have thought that out loud" i thought. 

"well theres like a lot of hobos outside that would carry your stuff for just about anything" she said..."oh OK" i said with a smile and as i walked away i thought to myself "Hobos! carry my stuff? excuse me! i cant have hobos carry my stuff, i don't trust them"

Battling to carry the heavy load i paused to catch a breath and call a taxi when a woman dressed in all black, well black worn out clothes that looked rather grayish. I halted and looked at this woman, you can call it observing.Wrinkles covered her eyes,hair so filthy covered in grass and a brown hat she smiled at me and said "sesi can i help you carry your stuff"."For how much", i asked...."ai noma yini suster, as long as i can buy something to eat"

I felt so much remorse for her, "shes probably just tyring to feed her children" as i hesitantly handed her some of the plastic bags

"What could have gone wrong for this woman that landed her on the streets, is it her fault?" i asked  myself a lot of questions that had no answers, of course!

We had walked a few meters when she paused, leaned down and put my food on the ground.."are you tired" i asked her "because if you are we can always take a break"

Ignoring me she proceeded to the dust bin at the door of a salon,the wind blew so swiftly sending her hat flying, i rushed to catch it and by the time i got it i turned to her , there she was looking through the trash. i saw hope in her eyes and my presence held no distraction to her quest 

"Are you looking for something?" i asked..."ya sharp! theres food I'm used to finding in there, someone must have taken them"

I saw the disappointment in her eyes, to an extend i felt it, as though i was going to benefit from whatever she would have got from the trash

I wanted to know about this woman,that in a few minutes got me deep in thoughts and involuntarily connecting to her pain

We had walked a long distance now and i had finally accumulated the courage to ask her questions

I told her my name in hope that she will tell me hers,she turned with a smile, moved her lips but i could not get a word. "You said your name is?" i asked staring directly at her lips in hope that i might be able to read them this time "Gugu" she whispered

"Gugu!" i said with a loud voice and she nodded with a smile. I guess a name doesn't carry much value when you live on the streets, it was probably a shock to her that one would care to know her name.

"where are you from ?" Soweto she said..."its just here right?, I'm from around here" so where are you from she asked me" Limpopo" i said with a proud voice 

She looked at me smiled,shook her head said" really? wow! i thought you from Cape Town. I didn't care to ask her why she thought that so i laughed it off and asked her where she lives now

"I sleep just about anywhere....Noma ikuphi! but mostly parks".

Listening to this woman i had come to a conclusion she had a certain level of education.Her English was clear even though  the occasional drop of Zulu words she understood me and i got her clearly

"How old are you".."24" she said. "kids?" i asked politely and she shook her head

i was surprised,this girl is one year older than me and looking at her you would swear shes 30 if not 35.
The life on the streets and must have taken a toll on her. I tried holding back my tears which i think i achieved quite well

"Why her?" i asked myself

"How do you survive, i mean i cant even walk at night because I'm terrified something bad will happen to me, especially because you are a woman?"

"Now is fine because everyone knows me,it was hard at first i was every boy's relieve system" all the older guys used to rape me until one day i stabbed one of them with a piece of steel bar i had picked up from the street.Now no guys dares to come close to me", she said with an angry voice

I literally froze, i could not believe my ears.Why does this woman trust me with such information? but none the less i kept on listening

"You are right, you should never walk at night,its not safe..this boys will take your belongings and if you don't have anything they will hit you" she warned me and this time she maintained eye contact

I nodded and continued to ask her questions, i wanted to deviate from what she had just told me.It was too much for me to take, I couldn't imagine going through what she went thorough and still be able to look forward to another day

"So why did you leave home"? i asked

"Eish its hard, my sister" this time she took a deep breath and shook her head slowly or rather heavily

I knew what ever it was it must have been bad,she was able to tell me about the rape and the stabbing without any hesitation but this Gugu was holding back

could this be the root of this problem, what eventually led her to the streets? 

Stay tuned to find out

An Open letter to my dad

Dear Daddy

I know you and I had our fair stake of disputes some more hurting than others, But  hey we also had our rational share of Joy, for years I detained so much resentment towards you that even I couldn’t grasp, I was young and fragile, and you were according to me very insensitive. I never took a moment to try and understand what you could be going through, I mean I was your first daughter and it must have been hard. I anticipated a lot from you, I guess I was selfish

I look back over my life and realize all you ever wanted was what’s best for me, you wanted me to attain what you and mom couldn’t attain for us. You wanted me to never lose sight of whats more important

To be honest, then I thought u just wanted to make my life miserable. How u didn’t want me to have a bunch of friends, how u didn’t see it necessary that I have expensive clothes. But every time we needed a new book at school or a calculator you didn’t hesitate to get it for me, when everyone thought I was a snob and loved speaking English, you encouraged that I do.Guess you knew i might end up in Sandton

I’m sorry I overlooked all this over the years because I was too busy concentrating on you imperfections. I wish I gave you a chance. I know u tried to reach out 

I remember one day I was angry because I thought nobody cared about me. My mother told you I was crying and you didn’t say anything instead you just left. I thought to myself indeed nobody cares

Later that afternoon you bought me a present, it was in a plastic bag,You bought me an “angel” it was really pretty and you said every time I feel a little down I should look at it and know someone cares, you said when David was feeling done he would play his instrument and will soon be okay

Ungrateful as I was I took it, didn’t say anything and put it In the drawer still in the plastic bag, I thought to myself, he didn’t even wrap it, who does that? Now I have an answer for that, a good father who cares so much about her daughter but just doesn’t know how to express himself. I expected too much from you, I admit .I want you to know right now that I thank you for that angel and wrapped or not, it was the best gift I ever got in my entire life because it was bought with love

Daddy, you are the best. Fathers have ran away from their accountabilities some remained  but didn’t really stay. You raised us with utmost integrity and made us believe in our capabilities. They say a father’s job is to teach his children to ride horses and prepare them for war. I am the woman I am today because you made me believe I can

I remember just after my matric when everyone was excited about going to tertiary , I was  not so much excited because I knew we didn’t have the financial freedom to afford tertiary education, I thought because its three of us now , I would have to wait for my brothers to finish so they can  help me further my studies

You said I’m going to tertiary regardless and you said you’ll do whatever you can to make sure I did. Thank you for keeping your promise and for supporting me every step of the way

You played your role as a father and beyond. I am very much grateful to God for giving me a father such as you. You have a heart as huge as the ocean, dreams way bigger than you and u never give up on them. I learned to believe in myself because you believed in me. You taught me to be content and to remain happy regardless of any circumstances .Thank you!

There’s so many things I lacked growing up, and so many things I still lack ,but they are nothing compared to the love of a father I have in you. I’ve lived and allowed life to teach me things and I came to realize that a lot of women are damaged because they never had the love of a father. I’m blessed to have you and may The Good Lord grant you many more years so you can live to see the life you so wished for us manifested before your eyes. Thank you papa

I don’t need a famous, rich or super smart dad; I just need you and happy Father’s day in advance.You are a super dad :) and I LOVE YOU

Chronicles of a Broken Heart

Chronicles of a Broken Heart

Meeting him seemed the sweetest thing; smiles to myself, a rush of excitement at our conversation that day, the unrelenting desire to see him again, to talk to him in our fast becoming nightly sessions. Before I knew it I was hooked; he became my obsession; my words kept finding their way back to him, he commanded my thoughts and turned me into this sickeningly happy person. But competition was in the air, secretly I relished it; the fact that he paid close attention, the notion that desires for my attention were multiplied.

Many things changed after that; involuntarily trading one admirer for the next, playing the dangerous game even in the presence of a wounded heart. The core was under attack though I dared not show it, but each day proved to weaken, as did his constant presence. Yet I still yearned for it, even in the face of betrayal.

Where did the lines get crossed? I feel like a fool. I trusted but yet I didn't. I desired because I was desired first. I did nothing yet pay the consequences. Turning cold one minute then melting the next. I was lost, I didn't know; hungry for knowledge and closure. Yet a vengeful and wounded heart would not  not rest, it sought to to hurt…… but had little ammunition against the adversary; save a small arsenal that I refused to use. I knew not any weak points of attack. Maybe there was none; that kryptonite was one I did not possess.

Still a fire burned until an explosion occurred, consuming me……. Ash floating in the air, embers still clinging to my flesh.  Now I was the only one hurt. A soul seeking rest would find none for days. And still, my heart wanted for something that would see it only destroyed…………

nthabiseng writes: Thanks for the PAIN

nthabiseng writes: Thanks for the PAIN

Thanks for the PAIN

It was one of the coldest nights .Passingly walking to his room i could feel my hands literally freezing.I didn't even seem to mind maybe its because my heart was way colder than the minus degrees.I needed some closure and i sought to go get it

Somehow i knew i would not get it,hes never been the talking type."What do u think you are doing, u going to hurt yourself even more" i thought to myself as i walked passingly towards his place.
"I'm going to hurt even more if i don't go" i tried to convince myself

It was the most painful days of my life,nothing seemed to be going my way...i guess i needed someone,i needed a shoulder to cry on or rather a support system and because he had promised he to stick by my side i expected that from him.it seemed only reasonable that i should

He had stopped calling me..and when i attempted to make contact,to my surprise he randomly said he needed a break...a break from what? i asked him, "I'm going through my own things" he said

Who do i talk to now, suddenly my world seemed too humongous and empty..could i have pushed him away? did i do something wrong? none of the questions i had seemed to hold any answers for me, maybe i should give him the break he so seeks, but i need him now more than ever!

i had knocked for the fourth time  in vain,just as i was about to walk away he opens the door and stands gazing at me without a word. "Hi" i said taking a deep breath ,trying to hold it all together.I did pretty good trying to hide the intense anger i had towards him,well at least i thought i did.

"i didn't expect to see you" he said with a very arrogant voice..it puzzled me how he would never expect to see me after requesting a break from what i thought was true love without any valid reason,but i refrained from saying anything. I never wanted to make him angry,i was afraid he would ask me to leave

He offered me a drink and i accepted, i set for a while not saying anything,i guess i was trying to find a polite way of asking why all the sudden change.Eventually i did and he said a lot of things...none made sense,he said he was not worthy of a girl like me.I couldn't help but break down in tears,its been three years why didn't he say anything earlier in the relationship?. He said I'm too smart,beautiful and sweet and should never beg a guy to stay with me.i though he was just been sarcastic.All guys say that when they dump their girlfriends."I just don't love you anymore" He said without any remorse in his eyes


It was a Monday morning when i decided to have a morning run to clear my head.There walked a very charming,tall guy, he was very handsome, wait! i recognize that walk.It was him,he was with another girl .She was very pretty,thin and looked way younger than me.I halted to make sure my eyes where not deceiving me

it was really him walking her to her car.it hasn't even been two days since we parted ways..well officially!

lights! people in white!.noise!.'where am i?' "you are in hospital, you've been out for two hours" "you had a mini heart attack" the lady in white said gently trying to get me to rest

Then it hit me. I fainted after seeing the girl you replaced me.She was prettier than me,way thinner and younger.He left me because I'm not good enough, I CONCLUDED

They referred me to a shrink .She gave me tissues and told me to cry how ever i want.i told her everything!
she listened and deliberated, told me the very same words he had told me she said I'm too smart,beautiful and sweet and should never beg a guy to stay with me.This time i believed every word

It was  then that realized how unhealthy our relationship was.He never loved me! but why did it take me three years to realize that?

It was three months later when he asked to see me.I generously granted him the honor of my presence and time.He told me he missed me and that she was never what he thought she would be."I'm sorry i had to be with another girl for me to realize how much i loved you ,I'm sorry you had to go through all that"."just give me a chance back in your life i promise to do things differently this time"

I was speechless for a while,then i turned with a smile and said well! "i would love to but i just don't love you anymore and you were right, I'm too smart,beautiful and sweet for a guy like you,You are definitely not worthy of a girl like me"




The story has totally nothing to do with the author(nthabiseng)...just a story inspired by things women go through